


The Things We Regret

by Jase



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Love, M/M, Prison, Soulmates, Waiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 09:28:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22353976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jase/pseuds/Jase
Summary: Aaron decided to let go, to move on, and to get away from home in order to deal. Or at least that's what he had intended until he had some time to think to himself.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 32
Kudos: 127





	1. Chapter 1

**PART ONE**

* * *

Puffs of visible breaths fill the air. It's just turning night, but the light coming off the bar's large sign is coming off bright, and it reflects right off his breath, making it almost look like a solid cloud of white. Aaron cups his hands together up to his mouth and breathes hard into them to keep them warm. It's cold, way colder than he expected, but it doesn't matter. He can't risk missing them again. He needs to catch them this time. If he misses them again, he won't have another chance for another week, and he's done waiting. He's waited long enough.

He blows hard into his hands again, harder than the last time, hoping to get back a bit of feeling on his fingers, and continues to wait. This bloke better be worth it. He's about to blow another breath into his hands when his pocket vibrates, and he reaches into it, fishing out his phone. It's Liv.

_ Debbie says you've been gone for a couple of days. Everything alright? _

He can't help but roll his eyes. He knows she means well, but he's not a child, he can take care of himself. It's then that he remembers just why he left, why he decided to get away for a while. His family was too much. They always have been. For all their best efforts all they do is get in the way. In the way of his head, his thoughts, his heart. He needed to get away from them, to really think, to figure things out.

After everything, it's what he needed most. His long list of one night stands in such a short time was evidence enough, as every bit of pressure he had felt from his family drove him to find an outlet for his frustrations. He was tired of feeling guilty for being heartbroken, for grieving over the future he had been robbed of, and being told to move on. He chuckled out of frustration at the thought.  _ Moving on. _ As if he could ever fucking do that.

At the same time he gets that pang of guilt, of disappointment in himself, again. It's something that really started eating away at him when he left home. Robert. Robert was all he thought about, all he dreamt about, and he remembered. And what he remembered the most was how Robert never gave up on him. The steering wheel that pinned him down in that car, the one at the bottom of the quarry. Sunken. Flooding. Their certain deaths imminent. And Robert...Robert refused to give up on him. He refused to leave him behind.

When he was sentenced to over a year in prison, Robert didn't accept it. Robert fought, the courts be damned, Robert fought. He never gave up. 

"How could you just give up on him?" He chastises himself as he wipes at his eyes, feeling it all too well. In his heart, in his bones, in every inch of his body that spoke to him. He felt like he had betrayed him, let him down.

He takes a deep breath then hears the rumble of the bus coming to a stop. It's what he had been waiting on. He blows into his hands one last time and watches as a few people step off the bus, and waits until he spots what he was looking for, for who he was looking.

He takes a deep breath, gulps past the lump in his throat, slips his hands into his pockets, and begins to walk.

It's time to fight.


	2. Chapter 2

**PART TWO**

* * *

The smell of cheap cigars and stale beer fills the air, it permeates through it, from the walls, from every inch of the ranky looking place. Doesn't matter though, he'd crawl through sewage if he had to. He'd do whatever it takes after his failure. He's not letting go, not this time.

The cold of the darkening night gives out, and a wave of warmth hits him along the stale scents as he walks through the door. The bar is dark, not many lights, and what few are there look like they are about to give in at any moment. He stops, taking in the room, scoping out for the person he followed in, and it doesn't take him too long to catch sight of them. Right at the bar top, a bloke sits, back hunched over as his elbows rest on the dark wood of the bar, he's raising a hand toward the bartender, signaling for their attention.

It's only seconds before he's getting serviced, getting a pint, and Aaron simply watches biding his time. That first drink leads to two, to three, to four, and that's when he feels it's safe enough to swoop in, go in for the kill.

He confidently walks up to the bar and takes a seat on the stool next to the bloke who's now much more heavily hunched over the bar top.

"Long day, eh?" Aaron asks as his lifts his own hand towards the bartender. "I'll have a pint, and why don't you get this guy another on me, looks like he needs it."

The bloke raises his nearly empty pint with a drunken smile on his face. "Cheers, mate." He slurs in appreciation for the free pint.

"Prison work that rough, I take it?" Aaron asks point blank. The blokes drunk enough, no need to beat around the bush now.

"How'd ye...how'd ye know?" The bloke hiccups and nearly loses his balance.

"The uniform, mate. It's a dead give away."

He raises his eyebrows as he makes a face, the sort of face that is so familiar to him, the one he often uses when Charity or anyone else in his family for that matter as they try to ramble on about something, anything. He's never been one for listening to anyone else's problems, he has his own, particularly one at the very moment.

The bloke laughs as he looks down at his top, clearly still wearing his prison guard uniform. "It's shite, really." The man replies. "Shite hours, shite work, and don't even get me started on me pay."

"Sounds like a shite job alright." Aaron returns before taking a gulp of the pint that was just placed in front of him. "You should try running a scrap yard with no help." 

"Scrap...well...to shite jobs." The bloke raises his newly free pint, courtesy of Aaron.

"Cheers." Aaron taps his pint to the other man's, and takes another gulp. "It's your lucky night then." He says.

"You what?"

"Tonight. It's your lucky night." He reiterated.

"And how's that?"

"Well, I figure a hard worker like you making shit pay would really appreciate an easy five thousand quid."

The blokes eyes go wide with disbelief and nearly choked on his beer as Aaron pulls out a small stack of notes, neatly pressed together. "Just how easy are we talking here?" The man grins.

"Mate, all you have to do is deliver a message for me. Think you can do that?"

"For five thousand quid I'll deliver yer message me self."

"Good."


	3. Chapter 3

**PART THREE**

* * *

It's dark, very dark, no sign of light really, and that's fine. He prefers it this way, he knows there's nothing to look forward to anyway, not anymore. Robert heaves, his chest expanding and collapsing at a rapid pace as he moves. Up, down, up, down. The same repetitive motions of push-ups. Mindless activities to keep his thoughts at Bay. Mindless activities to keep himself from feeling anything. If only it worked.

"AAAAAAAAARGH." He shouts, let's it all out as he pushes himself up onto his knees, swings for the wall, and recoils just as quickly at the sharp pain on his knuckles. Pain, the only real thing that m his life now. The only thing that helps. He swallows hard and lets the sobs out freely, he doesn't have to hold back, doesn't have to hide from anyone. It's why he likes solitary so much. He collapsed against the coldness of the concrete wall and cradles his fist tightly, and bites down on the fat lip that got him into the darkness this time. 

It had been one of those days again, when his thoughts got to him. The thoughts of everything he had left behind, the things he had been ripped away from, he couldn't handle it. When one of his least favorite inmates got in his way, he took a swing. He knew exactly what would happen, Rory was always followed by his shadows, his little gang, but that didn't stop him. He sent his fist flying quickly through the air, striking Rory right across the jaw, and found himself just as quickly on the floor being kicked from all directions. They all dispersed just as fast, leaving him alone to take all the blame for a brawl. Solitary for a week. He sighed in relief when he heard the punishment. The punishment that had become quite a regular.

The tiny cell had no window, no light, no bed, barely had a toilet, but it was almost heaven. Darkness had become his friend. Silence wasn't far behind. He could sit there all day and let his mind fall into oblivion. Only it never did, not really. Aaron was always there, always close by, always reminding him of how broken he was.

"I miss you so much." He cried as he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs.

In the darkness of his cell it was easy to lose track of time, day and night came and went without him knowing, the only sense of it came when a bang on his cell door signaled a meal.

_ BANG BANG _

The thumps against his door pulled him from his haze. Dinner had arrived or at least what was supposed to be dinner. Prison food left a lot to be desired. 

A creaking sound followed as latch was moved allowing a slot along the bottom of the door to open. The light bleeding through the opening was nearly too much, he squinted his eyes keeping them open just enough to see the small metal tray slide in, and instantly his stomach growled in response. He couldn't remember the last time he really ate.

"Got a real special meal for ye tonight Sugden." An unfamiliar voice announced. Didn't sound like the guard that normally delivered his meals, a real jackass named Gerry who made it a habit to spill half of what came on the tray to the floor. Not that it mattered. He wouldn't eat it anyway. 

"Not hungry." He replied ready to go back into his head when he noticed the light hadn't gone away. The small slot was still open, the guard was still there, waiting.

"Look, mate." The guard said in a low voice as if trying to keep it quiet. "Just eat yer damn food, yeah?" It sounded almost like a plead.

Robert's face screwed up in confusion, wasn't sure what to make of what was going on. He pushed himself away from the wall and crawled towards the door, the light still shining in, and grabbed onto the tray.

_ Huh.  _ He thought to himself as he noticed the plate on the tray had a cover. Lifting the cover up he noticed a piece of paper neatly folded beside his dinner.

"What's this?" He asked unsure if the guard was still there 

"What's it look like?"

"Something I don't want anything to do with. I'm not joining any gang in here, so you can just tell whoever this came from to do one."

"Feck, ye really are a stubborn prick aren't ye?"

"You what?"  _ No way. No way. No way.  _ He kept thinking to himself. There was no way. "Who sent this?" He asked as his heart began to race.

"This grumpy little bloke." The guard replied in almost a whisper. "Paid me really well too, said there'd be more if I take one back, so don't be a prick, yeah?" He said, his voice sounding closer right before a pen was pushed through the opening. "I'll be back in an hour."

The sound of footsteps signaled the guards departure, and the sound of metal does slamming shut told him he was alone again. His hands quickly unfolded the paper, as if his life depended on it. He couldn't help it. A letter, a letter is all it took, and suddenly he feels like he's alive again. 

He flattened the letter against the floor and slid closer to the opening, the light still coming through, he began to read.

_ Robert, _

_ Please, please, for the love of god stop being so fucking stupid and just read this. Please just read this, yeah? I know what you're doing, why you're pushing me away, and fuck if I didn't want to deck you for it. I'm not doing this without you. I'm here, on the island, and I'll be here until you let me see you. I won't eat, I won't sleep, I'll do whatever it takes. If I have to hurt myself to get your attention, I'll do it. You know I will. You're not the only stubborn bastard here. _

_ I miss you so much, Robert. I miss you more than I ever thought I'd miss anyone. _

_ I'll be waiting. However long it takes. _

_ \- Aaron _

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**PART FOUR**

* * *

_ I miss you so much, Robert. I miss you more than I ever thought I'd miss anyone. _

Fuck, he must have read that over and over. It felt like an eternity as he took in every single word, wondering how he could have been so stupid. Aaron was out there. Aaron was out there and he was alone. They had proven time and again, they were rubbish without one another. This would never have worked. The same way he was always there for Aaron, the same way he never gave up on him, Aaron would do the same in return. They had been through so much together and for each other. No matter how hard this would be, they couldn't possibly do it without one another.

He pressed his forehead to the letter, flat on the floor, and breathed in. The sheet of paper had been held by his husband, Aaron's fingertips had pressed against the paper, and he could only imagine them pressed against his very own face. The warmth of that man's hands against his face, the only man to ever make him feel safe, make him feel like he was home. Like phantom feeling, he could almost sense Aaron's fingers cradling his face. For a brief moment, he had escaped, he was no longer in the darkness that had become his home, he was back where he wanted to be.

His hand reached out for the pen as his thoughts began to race, what could he say, how could he apologize, would anything be enough? He had been such an idiot thinking that Aaron would accept his decision. He put the pen to paper and began to write only to scratch it all out, over and over. He had always had a way with words, it was part of who he was, sharp tongue and all, but words failed him. Nothing he could think of was good enough. Nothing he could think of would do.

It wasn't long before he heard the metal clanking of gate doors opening. The strange guard was returning and he still had not written anything down he had not scratched out. After everything, words would not suffice. Not now, not on paper. Aaron deserved better. As he wracked his brain with what to say, the sound of footsteps along the corridors told him he was out of time.

He quickly put the pen back to the sheet of paper.

"It's time, mate." A whisper came before he heard a tap at his door. "I don't have much time."

_ I'm sorry, but I can't see you now, soon. I'll explain. I promise. _

_ You know. _

_ \- R _

He neatly folded the paper and slid it through the slot.

"Please make sure he gets this." He begged to the stranger on the other side of the door.

"For what he's paying, ye better believe he's going to get it." The man half chuckled and took the pen and paper back before closing the slot.

Back to darkness. Not that it mattered. Not now. He couldn't help the faintest of smiles that spread across his face, a comfort suddenly taking him over. A smile, however faint. A fucking smile. Fuck, he'd forgotten what that felt like, what it felt like to feel something other than complete and total defeat. Aaron, his Aaron was not giving up on him, he was fighting for him. Aaron was sneaking around, paying people off to do a job for him, doing the kinds of things he would have given Robert hell for. And yeah, it was definitely much more like something he would do. Maybe Aaron had picked up some of his habits along the way. Maybe Aaron was definitely his husband. Still. He would stay that way, he'd make sure of that. He would do whatever it takes to get him back into his life.

It was only a day later that he was released back into the general population, his brain still a wreck over what he would say to Aaron, how he would apologize. He was ready to beg, to really beg if that's what it took, but only one thing took precedent over the fight he was ready for. As much as he was dying to hear his husband's voice again, there was one person he needed to talk to first, there was one thing he needed to take care of.

He kept his head down, kept himself out of trouble, busied himself with getting the moratorium on his visits lifted, and when the time came, he got in queue and waited for his turn to use the telephone.

His stomach went through a mix of emotions as it felt like it was in a knot to feeling like it was fluttering like butterflies, and he almost panicked when the phone rang too long. "Hey. It's me Robert." He spoke into the phone, letting out a sigh of relief. "Listen, the divorce, I need you to stop it happening. Yeah, I've never been more serious. Yeah, I'm going to let him visit." He smiled at his own words. "Yeah. Thanks." He finished and hung up the phone.

Uncertainty hung in the air. The future, his future, their future, he had no idea where it was heading, but he knew that it was only worth living if Aaron was a part of it.

_ "You're the best thing that ever happened to me."  _ He lay in bed, thinking of the last time he spoke to his husband. He remembered the aching loss he felt all too well, the feeling that life was just as well over. For all of what felt like minutes, he had it all. He had made it past his father, past his past, past everything he told himself he wanted, and found what he really needed. He found a home, a family, and a love that knew no bounds. He found someone that loves him with equal ferocity and he'd lost it all.

He pressed the now wrinkled photograph tightly to his chest, the one he'd nearly cried into every night for months now. Aaron, Seb, and himself all looking beyond happy. Their second and official wedding had been like breathing again. After everything they had been through, they had made it. He clung to the photograph. He clung to it as if his life depended on it, and convinced himself he would never be so stupid again. Closing his eyes, he drifted off into a peaceful sleep, something he had been deprived of for so long, and dreamt dreams of memories past. A picnic in the cricket pavilion. A wild night in a hotel. A decision to start a family all their own.

His nerves came back with a vengeance as he stood in queue, his weight all placed on his right leg, as his left bounced up and down, he bit his fingernails, and he kept a close eye on the clock hanging high up on the wall. The slow ticks of the arms moving in place, counting down the minutes that passed, all mocked him. As if they knew he was waiting, they slowly moved counting down the time of the people in front of him.

A loud breath left his mouth as the bloke in front of him finally ran out of time and hung up the phone, giving him a dirty look. Weeks ago, that would have been enough for him to swing, get himself thrown back into solitary, not anymore though. No way. He stepped up the phone, and held his hand in front of the number pad. His hand hesitated for a moment, floating over the numbers, a part of him was still scared, unsure if he wanted to hear what Aaron would have to say.

_ Do it!  _ He thought to himself while his finger took over as if having a mind of its own, pressing the numbers by memory. He took a deep breath waiting for what was maybe less than a second, and his stomach exploded into a sea of flutters as a voice came through the other side of the line.

"Robert?"

And just like that, he felt his knees ready to give. His eyes watered and threatened to spill as the all too familiar feeling of his chin wobbling took over.

"Hiya." His voice broke. "I'm so sorry." He said. "I'm so fucking sorry."

  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**PART 5**

* * *

Butterflies. Fucking butterflies.

Aaron stood in queue, person after person, all going through security. There he stood getting patted down, being guided through metal detectors, and fucking butterflies is all he felt. 

Not despair. Not the overwhelming loneliness he had felt for months. Not the dire need to run a blade along his skin in order to feel something other than emptiness. 

Robert had given in. He was going to finally see him, and fucking butterflies is what he felt.

He still remembered the call, Robert's voice coming through the line, he had been playing it over and over in his head for hours. Crazy as it seemed that a simple word made his knees give in. He could breathe again.

"Hiya." Robert's voice had been soft, almost a whisper, and Aaron felt the air rush into his lungs as if they had awoken from a slumber.

_ Hiya _ . He kept repeating that word in his head. It meant nothing yet everything. It was just a word, but what mattered was where it came from, or whom it came from, and what it signified.

"You look nervous, love." An older woman pointed out to him. She looked to be around his mum's age, if her voice had been any screechier she could have been.

"Is it obvious?" 

The woman simply smiled in return and nodded. "You seeing someone special? Family?" She was animated as she asked the question.

"Me husband." He said it so boldly. He didn't care to hide it. 

"Oh." Her mouth formed an O shape as sadness washed over her eyes. "Well, you should get your wits about." She said with a sad smile curling at the edges of her mouth. "You don't want your fella seeing you in such a state."

Aaron nearly flinched, partially offended, the woman didn't know him, she didn't know what led him there. Why would make her think she could possibly give  _ advice  _ to a complete stranger?

"Seeing us...well that's about as good as it gets for them, innit? It's hard in there." She nodded her head towards the entrance of the visitation area. "Anyone can see that, and seeing us down when this is all they get...it can't make things easier for them. We have to be strong for them, put on a brave face, we don't need to give them anything else to worry about." She reached out and gave him a soft pat on his shoulder.

He remembers the feelings all too well, everyone of those times he had been in, and someone went to visit him. His mum, Paddy, Robert. He had barely been holding on, if anyone had gone to see him in a state, he couldn't even imagine how things would have turned out.

Aaron had opened his mouth to speak, to thank the woman for her words of advice, only everyone's attention was grabbed when a guard began to shout. He was giving instructions. Everyone was to keep their hands to themselves after their initial greetings, visiting time was only half an hour, and everyone would be escorted out if any got out of line.

This was it. The butterflies began to flutter again.

He could feel his heart rate increase, as crazy as everything was, he couldn't help it, something about it all made him feel like a teenager about to go on his first date. Every part of him was buzzing, thrumming with something close to happiness, something he'd almost forgotten what it felt like 

Step by step he followed the people in front of him, everyone of them also there to see loved ones, it wasn't long before he was crossing the doors to the visitation area, and then everything stopped. 

There he was. Robert.

His heart did something he couldn't quite figure out, it sank at the sight of Robert, his face covered in bruises and cuts, and then it sang at the fact that he was seeing him again.

"I'm so sorry." Robert practically cried as he wrapped his arms around Aaron, squeezing tightly.

Aaron's followed suit, hugging as tightly as he could, and only pulling back when Robert flinched in pain.

"I'm...I'm sorry." Aaron nearly cried. "Is...is it bad?" He asked nodding towards Robert's side where he noticed Robert's reaction came from.

"I'll live." He tried to smile.

In the moment everything and nothing mattered, it was as if the world around them had shifted, and the spotlight shined upon them. This moment was for them.

They took a seat at a table and though they remained in silence, their eyes said so much. It ached, it burned, every fiber in his being begging to reach out, to touch his husband.

"I miss you so much." A single tear rolled down Aaron's cheek as he sneaked his hand closer to Robert's, his fingers gently touching Robert's. A motion that made Robert visibly lose his breath.

"I'm so sorry." Robert tried to hold himself together, his chin wobbling as he spoke. " I thought...I thought…"

"Oi." Aaron stopped him. "It's okay. It's okay. I get it. I know why you did it. You don't need to apologise. I just need you to promise me not to continue being so stupid, yeah?" He meant it. He meant every bit of it. He understood it all. Deep down he always had. Yeah it had hurt like hell, but he got it. He understood.

"I promise." Robert replied as he lifted his hands to wipe away at his face. The loss of contact between their fingers making Aaron ache.

"I need you to know that I love you, and I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. You hear me? I'll wait for as long as it takes, and then you'll come home to me, and we'll never look back." He smiled fondly at his own words, the same words Robert has spoken to him what felt like a lifetime ago.

Robert smiled in return, a small spark of life returning to him.

"So tell me, how you holding up, really?" There was so much to talk about, so many things to get sorted, but they had so little time, and Robert's well-being was the most important thing on his mind.

Robert's lips formed a thin line, it was obvious the subject wasn't something he wanted to talk about.

Aaron took a quick look around and reached his hand out, placing it over Robert's and squeezed gently. He poured everything he had into it, into the looks he gave Robert. He had screwed up before, he had let everything happen, and he wasn't going to do that again.

"I'm managing." Robert finally spoke.

"And all of that?" Aaron questioned, nodding to Robert's face.

"It's nothing."

"Robert." His voice was stern yet laced with love.

"It's just this prick and his gang. They've been on me since I got here...they saw my pictures and figured I'd be an easy target. I wasn't." 

Aaron couldn't help but swell with pride as much as he was concerned. Jack Sugden be damned, Robert was proud of who he was. Still…

"Look, I know it's hard, but just keep your head down, yeah? Stay out of trouble...for me."

Robert let out a soft huff. "You can't tell me what to do in here."

"I'm your husband, I can boss you around whenever I want."

Robert smiled, finally, a real smile.

It all felt like whir, they talked, Aaron made Robert promise to stop his solicitor from proceeding with the divorce. He made him promise to stay out of trouble. There wasn't enough time, there would never be enough time, not like this. And just as quickly as it had all happened. It was over.

Aaron sat I'm his car with tears in his eyes. It had been harder to leave Robert this time than it had ever been, the fear that it could all be the last time was all too real.

"I'll be back next week, yeah." Aaron had promised Robert. "And the week after, and the week after that, for as long as it takes."

He could see a light of hope in Robert's eyes as he made the promise, the promise he intended to keep. He was fighting this time. He wasn't going to let it go.

One problem down, more to go.


End file.
